dear diary, i never thought it’d come to this. honestly, i never thought my life would look like this. its almost poetic in the same way it is tragic, really. i get everything i ever wanted: namely, the starring role in the straight play based on my favorite book of all time. and then my entire world comes crashing down around me. i never thought that it’d be the one smiling through tears, putting on the brave face, laughing with her friends only so that she can go home, change into her pajamas, and cry her eyes out night after night after night. and i’m so sick of all of this. i’m so sick of not feeling happy anymore. all i feel is sadness and anxiety and nervousness and stress. even when i laugh or smile, there’s this underlying catch-all blanket of just….sad. and i’m so sick of people being jackasses. thanks for talking about me, everyone. thanks for blatantly hating me to my face. thanks for liking my best friend. thanks for not treating me like a real human being. just because i do my best not to be broken in front of people doesn’t mean i am invincible. just because i am younger than you doesn’t mean you can use me as a punching bag. i don’t know what to do anymore. i try throwing myself into speech. its working out well thus far. we took 2nd. i should have been ecstatic. there was one fleeting moment of joy, and then…numb. i barely felt nervous in the final round. and when we stood on stage with the top 2, waiting to find out whether we were champions or runners-up…it barely sunk in. i was in a haze. and i wish i could live in the moment more. i wish i could try not to harp on dumb little things, like other people’s reactions or the way people speak to me. no matter how often people tell me that i am, i don’t FEEL loved. i really don’t. but i don’t know what people need to do to make me feel loved. maybe that’s why people are shying away from me. slowly, but surely, people won’t be able to deal with me being neurotic anymore. and then i’ll have no one. the year will end, my friends will graduate, and i will be utterly alone. i hate all this. i want someone to just hold me and let me cry. but i can’t. i just can’t. its funny how i went from hating the fact that i couldn’t cry, to hating the fact that i was always crying. much love, me
